A serious moment.

I went back and forth with whether to blog about this or not, but in the end, this blog is about my life, and, well, this is life. If you don’t want to read terribly personal things, just skip on by and tomorrow will be right back to lightness with the Friday Follies.

So.
I was pregnant.
Was.
And now I’m not.

Before anyone worries too much, I wasn’t very far along at all, we weren’t planning or “trying” for it, the event itself passed without the need for a doctor, and frankly, having children wasn’t exactly high on our list of priorities. In other words, I’m mostly ok.
Mostly.
Thing is, once you get to a certain age, being physically confronted with the fact that those years you spent trying *not* to get pregnant might have been the very last years you could *stay* pregnant, is just odd, no matter how ambivalent you might have been about the idea of children the week before.
It feels a little like having “expired” stamped onto your forehead, and it’s making me a little crazy.
Have I made the right choice? Do I really suddenly want a child, or is this some hormone-induced bit of guilt? Am I really just frightened of getting old?
Old.
Well, yeah. Despite how awesome I think my Gramma is, I also see some frustration under the surface with what she can no longer do, and that does scare the hell out of me. Aging might be better than the alternative, but it still sucks.

In a society that values youth and beauty so much that women routinely put themselves under the knife or the needle to “improve” themselves, what does it mean to age gracefully? Is there even such a thing? Graceful? Is that really the best we can do?
What if that’s all a bunch of crap and we should just keep right on running, flying, burning that candle at both ends because what the heck IS age, but the number on your driver’s license?
Or is that what people call a “mid-life crisis”? Is this some other hormone-induced bit of guilt?

Sometimes I wish women had better role models for all stages of our lives.

Then again, maybe that’s just it. We don’t, so we have to be our own.

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14 thoughts on “A serious moment.

  1. I am so sorry to hear this. The same thing happened to me in January. It has impacted me greatly, especially now that we have decided to try “for real” and it’s not happening. I don’t mean to share too much, just to say that this post affected me, and there is someone out there who understands and thanks you for writing it.

  2. I’m sorry for your loss, first of all, and have heard there’s quite the hormone drop with that. And, yeah, I hear you on all the rest of that. All of it’s been on my mind a lot lately as I notice “aging” things with my body…

    Let me know if I can do anything *hug*

  3. For your benefit, I always find you inspirational, and graceful is a word I wouldn’t associate with capitulation, ever.

    Keep that breathless charm.

  4. I don’t really know what to say but I’m thinking of you. xo

    Thanks for sharing. And yes, aging is on my mind all the time. Having a baby later in life, and my body is feeling it. Getting older is not easy, esp for women. I struggle with trying to accept myself, wrinkles & all. Yet I still want an eye life & Botox.

    😦

  5. not sure if it helps or not, but i’m with you on the i guess soul searching is the best phrase for it … i’ve finally settled on not particularly wanting children (my siblings have plenty, and there’s nothing spectacular about my genetics that should be preserved for posterity)

    i’m sure everyone has an opinion, but i’d guess it’s a combination of hormones and the potential finality of a certain phase of life (that may be badly phrased)

    anyway, plenty of empathy here (even if it’s rarely spoken), also standing offer of hanging out whenever for whatever

  6. I think you’re doing a beautiful job as an example of both: gracefully not giving a damn what your age is supposed to say about you. Of course something like this would make you a little more thoughtful about everything, but don’t let it give you doubts about how awesome you are!

    Lots of hugs and love —

  7. I’m saddened by your loss.

    For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing a pretty good job of living. And you’re right, you don’t need a role-model when you are one.

  8. I am so sorry you are going through this.

    We have been trying for three years, and we have finally decided that at our (my) age, it isn’t going to happen. At first it was heartbreaking…the whole aging and mortality thing glaring right into the middle of me. There was definitely a sense that I am not a complete woman, in fact, an overwhelming sense of being de-feminized, if that makes any sense.

    And I haven’t even had the hormonal rush that you are experiencing…I can’t imagine how much worse it would be.

    {{{hugs}}} to you and your other half. You are a strong, beautiful and courageous woman, and I don’t see that changing – even 50 years from now.

  9. There are some great replies here. You are an amazing woman Lori, and you have some great friends here.

    I’ve been thinking about this all day. Hugs.

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